The thing is I don’t realize how much things have changed then.

I hate it.
This so-called affection of love between two people.
Calling each other fictitious names, groping for every single body part is fine by me.
But don’t fucking put it all over the innet – what do you seriously want to prove?
That you actually love each other? TRULY?

Fuck that.

I’m bitter when it comes to things like these.
True, there was a time in my life I’d believe in these kind of things.
I believed in the word called ‘forever’.

But too many promises made can be such a heartache.

I hate it when people tell me their fictitious lies of  ‘I love yous’ and ‘We’ll always be together… forever’.
Stop lying to me.
You know that doesn’t work in this world.
I want to believe in this beautiful lie so badly but I can’t taste the sweetness of its short-lived sheer joy anymore.
I want to look you in the eye and tell you with much confidence that I do believe in your words.

But how can I?

This heart doesn’t know anymore what forever is.
All it knows is that things will come to an end, eventually.

Now why can’t I be positive over my feelings?

When I watch people grow overly-open with their lovey-dovey behaviors, it annoys me in a way.
It’s not jealousy – it’s just plain annoyance at the over-exaggeration of the thing.

But that’s the thing about love – it makes people do really stupid things. (and makes them quite thick-skinned too)

But okay, I am slightly envious at the fact people do get to derive joy from loving one person.

I, on the other hand, cannot do so. It’s impossible.

There is one person who I truly care about now. I can’t say for sure that I love him or not – But I know that I truly care about him more than the ordinary, surprisingly, a little more than other people in my life. And when I do care, I lose sleep over it. I worry 24/7. I pray. I’m only able to sleep when I am rest assured.
For all you know, I could be in love.
But I’ll deny it all the way.

It’s not that I would declare and say “YES I LOVE HIM”

I don’t.
I don’t want to.
I like things as they are now – uncertained and silent.

I don’t want any of the bullshit that hurting someone is a part of loving him.

I’ve had enough of that – I am tired of  ‘hurting someone’ just because of love.
It’s too cruel.

I know what I am capable of in terms of hurt.

So yes, if you asked me honestly, I really do want to love him.
But I don’t want to hurt him. I treasure him more than anything I’ve ever treasured so far.

So, this distance is just fine… isn’t it?

I know that I’ve neglected you at some point because I left my heart behind.
I tried to grow up and protect myself, Ophie. But I failed at doing so.
I am letting people get the best of me.
I haven’t stopped crying for days.

Ophie… I don’t want this anymore.

どれだけ　歩いてきたんだろう?
振り向いたら涙の跡

傷つけ　傷つき　辿り着いた場所
今ここに君がいる

愛なんて　君だけさ　いつでも求めすぎて
愛なんて　君なしじゃ　意味ないよ　生きられない

本当に　心で愛せているの？
今でも不安だよ

一人きり　夢の中　辿り着いた場所
震えてる君がいる

泣かないで　離さないよ　全てを投げ捨てても
未来なんて　君なしじゃ　見えないよ　いらないよ

朝の陽だしに　君の寝顔と　照れた笑顔で　嬉しくなれるから
そんな日々を感じたいよ　永遠に

愛なんて　君だけさ　いつでも求めすぎて
愛なんて　君なしじゃ　意味ないよ　生きられない

愛しても　愛しきれない
未来なんて　君なしじゃ　見えないよ　いらないよ

There shouldn’t be any explanation anymore.

——————————————————————————-

I do not comprehend.
I simply do not comprehend.
Why people seem to misunderstand… or misinterpret my good actions?
They seem to see it as if I’m interested with them.
Men, women: They’re alike.

I honestly do not comprehend.
What is it that you like about me?
There’s nothing to like about: I am but a bag of flesh, like every other human.
I eat. I sleep. I breathe.
That’s all there is to me.
Am I that complex to you?
No, not a complex creature at all. Barely interesting.
I’m such a boring creature, you’d wish you’d read Jane Austen’s works instead.

Another day, another confession, another turndown.
I feel a bit letdown during my first few. But now, I’m getting used to it.
It’s like a norm, turning people down.
I’m the type who won’t say no, for the world.
But somehow, this question is one I could really say no to.
Or more like tell it in a very subtle way that there’re better solutions.
I can compromise with you anything in this world you want.
But I cannot compromise you my heart.
That is something no one should have.

I’m not paranoid.
I’m not the type who is afraid of being hurt.
But I cannot allow people into my life that easily.
Just because you think you’ve known me for almost a year doesn’t make you anything special to me yet. Unless I say so.

After settling the matter about 10 minutes, I have rationalized with him.
Although I doubt the fact when he says that he agrees to the fact that we can only be friends mean and nothing will affect us will ever be true. (I get this almost from 90% of them. They say the same thing but then, they all turn out the same.)
There is no saying that you did not have a chance.
I’m just saying that there are other better people that deserve you, and definitely not I.
And I’m not willing to try on someone if my heart doesn’t respond the same way.
Right now, it’s silently sleeping. Dreaming. Hoping.

I am a strange, strange child.
I can’t bring myself to be close to men because of a certain past.
And I can’t bring myself to like women because of another past.
Women will hurt me, without doubt, as many have in the past.
Men will be hurt by me, without doubt, as many have in the past.
I refuse to go both ways.
Strange.

Thinking about things, I reflect upon some of the people I’ve lost.
Sometimes, I get this sickening feeling in my stomach for days.
Perhaps, it’s the pressure of guilt whenever I think about them.
Butt after a few days of telling myself that it’s not my fault it ended this way, it’ll go.
Sometimes, it works.
Sometimes, it doesn’t. Especially if that person is someone I once really loved.

Hmm…

To my friend, Kero: I died protecting you.

I don’t understand.
IS IT WRONG TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE WHO IS 14?!
Why, on earth is it wrong?
My father, he was so pissed at me today, after the phonecall with my aunt.
I was really, really pissed.

It’s wrong to be friends with a 14 year old who shares the same interest like you, but it is RIGHT to be friends with a person 50 years older who also shares the same interest as you?

What the fuck, really.
WHAT KIND OF MENTALITY IS THAT?!

My father was going on about that I was childish hanging out with a 14 year old girl, and questioned why I was hanging out with a minor.
HELLO.
She may be 14, but she acts much older than her age is. Heck, she even acts older than a 16 year old I KNOW. If you have met her, you wouldn’t have thought the same.

But you know what frustrates me the most?
That my father puts the entire blame on me, puts me in the wrong, and sides with my aunt for something I didn’t know was happening until he told me.
THAT IS WHAT I’M ANGRY ABOUT.
My father has obviously no idea. Not a single clue of what’s actually happening.
Only my mum took the courage to defend me.
It was not in my intentions though, to make my parents argue about it.
If there’s one thing I hate most, it’s making my parents argue.
But my mother demanded to know (Because she was having assumptions that I was in the wrong as always and was already saying stuff like I’m so stubborn and what not).
I told her the story and I was surprised that she stuck up for me.
Love you, Mum, for everything.

I lost my appetite, thanks to this whole thing.
I end up crying buckets of tears over this.
Really.
The least I wanted, Dad, was some support.
But I see it now that you have that kind of mentality.
I don’t see anything wrong in being friends with a girl 5 years younger.
But I am appalled that you don’t see anything wrong with me being friends with a man 50 years older than I am! It proves how narrow minded you can be.

You don’t know how upset you’ve made me, Dad.
I am terrible upset. And shocked. And lost for words.
That your mentality of friends is like that.
And that your thought of your daughter is like that.
And that you never defended for your daughter, even though she got blamed for something she didn’t even know about and do, but instead you yell at her, blamed her for things without even reasoning and got mad at me for no reason.

You have truly made me so deeply upset.
And sometimes, I wonder, why oh why am I fighting so hard to make you proud when all you ever do is disappoint me, hurt my feelings and always seem to think that I’m an idiot.

Maybe I am an idiot after all.

To you who I am really pissed off with as well:

Are you deft or something?
And why do you enjoy patting my head? It’s not for you to do.
I dislike people patting my head.
What, now, I’ve been demoted from a human being to a pet dog? D:

Why do you torture my feelings this way?
Why?

The wedding was alright, although I was a little bored there. There’s nothing much to be said about the wedding, either. My sister and I had a few jabs at each other, and that’s it.

But the more I see weddings, the more it makes me wonder if there is even a need to be married and still live a happy life together? I don’t think it’s something impossible either, but it’s not that easy either.

Currently, I am enjoying my life as a single woman, and a woman with family, friends and career as my first priority. I feel really horrible not being able to show my affection for them, really. If I was willing to wake up at 4am every morn to talk to that person (I used to. There’s no need to say who it was), why can’t I be willing to do anything for my family? Let’s just say the regret is there. Right now, I want to give it my best for my family, and really work hard to enter a good workplace (I’m aiming for you, Japan), earn enough money for life, find a good husband, have a good family myself, retire by the age 38 and live my life to the fullest with the people I love.

It’s such a simpleton’s way of thinking, but I think that’s very fulfilling in my case. It’s a simple request, for a simple life, for a simple person like me.

Growing up is a process everyone has to go through. You either start off fast or start off slow. The process hurts, and at the same time, it heals.  It’s an up and down way, so I think. There’re times when we say, I want to grow up, and then, there are times when we say, I don’t want to – I just want to stay this way forever.

If we could, wouldn’t that be wonderful?

I shut my heart out, like a stage light – going off when the curtains go down.
I guess there’s no point to rush or feel anything of the current moment.
If I commit myself to a relationship again, I’m going to make my life a living hell, like it isn’t at the current moment. Example A: When I was with Ren this year, I lacked sleep, I left out a lot behind in college, I seem to be always drifting away than concentrate.
NO – What happened to my womanly stand of self-dependence?!
What happened to my unwavered strength?
I don’t want history to repeat itself again, and it’s understandable, anyway.

Lately, I’ve been coming up with too many tunes on my piano, but they’re yet songs with an emotional voice that lack words. They give the feeling, but they do not speak.
I sit in front of my desk, and crack my head – I know I have a lot to say this week, a lot to express myself on the desk of mine, faithful for 7 years.
Maybe I should write a song about it?
Ought to give it appreciation for all the years of service (And torment) it’s been through.
Table, o Table, thy so fair, suffering from my abuse, ye withstand, and with this hand….

…. Actually, not such a good idea.

Lately, I’ve been addicted to Ichiban Boshi from Tainaka Sachi.
I don’t care what people say about her usual ballads, I think they’re wonderful.
And she has such a lovely voice.
And why try to break out from the ballads when you actually score high with them?
I didn’t like Lipstick – It was too pop for me. And I hate Pop.
(And NO, Utada is NOT POP – She’s experimental.)

Anyway, I’ll end my post by posting the lyrics of Tainaka Sachi’s song.
I’m still trying to transliterate it, and then, translate it later on.
I could translate it (My romaji reading Level’d Up not long ago) but I’m LAZY.

And no one else.

I enjoy my privacy very much, thank you.